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As everyone knows, I like to put in my 92.93 paisa (2 cents, as of today) on breaking news and current happenings without necessarily knowing much about them. In keeping with this tradition, ever since the start of the 2008 US presidential election season, I have been paying very close attention to major newssources for all matters concering Mila Kunis and Rachel McAdams. But not on such a matter of importance. So you will understand if I do not abuse the trust of anyone who reads this in the hope of a well-thought out outsider view of the elections with a hastily-assembled half-attempt at current events that seems like, well, a hastily-assembled half-attempt at current events. Also, Wall Street meltdown. There. Current events. What brilliant journalism, I say.
So, since I can’t be bothered to write, we have a guest article written by eminent independent (his own words) political commentator for the WOLFNews channel, the eminent Mr. Bull O’Really. We have no idea Mr O’Really knew who we are or that he particularly cared, but we are honoured to have him here to pitch and pay all he wants (he is much better at it than us). So, without further ado, and having spent my two cents, here is Bull O’Really:
Hello, and welcome to the no-spin tracks of America. Here, we only bowl seam and swing. I’m glad I got this chance to address the apathetic slacker demographic who usually watch The Nightly Show run by my competitor, Mr. Jon Colbert. I am here to present to you worthless pinheads the only right perspective on the election: mine.
Now that we’re done with the primaries, we are now down to the final round. Both party conventions are now done, and the presidential candidates have been selected. They’ve also selected their sidekicks, the vice-presidential candidates. And they are now on the final stretch, to see who comes ahead in the polls on Nov 4. So, now the Republican Party candidate Sen. John McCain of Arizona and his running-mate Gov. Sarah Palin of Alaska face off against the Democratic Party’s Sen. Barack Obama of Illinois and his running-mate Sen. Joe Biden from God-knows-where (oh, yeah, Delaware). I shall dispense my unbiased opinion of the candidates and the election process now. And remember, if you don’t agree, you are a pinhead.
To start off with, Sen. McCain is a distinguished war hero from a proud military family. And as we all know, from the current administration, family really counts in this business. McCain was a fighter pilot in Vietnam who was shot down and imprisoned as a Prisoner of War for six years before being released. But his experiments with heroism were not over there. After his return to the US, he realized that his POW status automatically qualified him to serve in politics. He has been a distinguished senator and a mercurial political force with widely disparate views from that of the party establishment on many issues, and sometimes widely disparate from his own previous views. A true maverick.
He has always stood by his personal and political integrity by not sucking up to agents of intolerance for endorsements or attacking his opponents in campaign ads with scurrilous lies and non-issues. He does not play petty political tricks such as calling off his campaign and trying to weasel out of a presidential debate for oneupmanship, especially in the light of the current Wall Street debacle, which was caused by the lack of proper regulation of financial companies. He is the very epitome of honesty. Sen. McCain says that Wall Street getting greedy is the cause of this whole mess, and the only solution is to deregulate some more. And he has even put aside politics to devote himself to finding a solution to the financial crisis [Jaskon's note: I think this means he may have at least finished reading the back cover of Alan Greenspan's book]. His new solution, which he came up with just before a deal on the bailout could be reached, is provide capital gains tax breaks. What a maverick. Even the plight of the taxpayer can not change his maverick ways. Neither can the state of affairs in Iraq. Also, he appeals to kids by appearing to them to be a hybrid of Mr. Magoo and Yosemite Sam.
Sen. Barack Obama, is blessed with a name that recalls the best of the ’80s in the A-Team. He’s been a member of the senate for just a few years, and I find his lack of experience disturbing. He is a graduate of one of those arty-farty Ivy league schools and taught law as well. He also claims to have been some kind of ‘community organizer’, when he was younger. As if keeping kids off drugs and making people employable qualifies one to be president. There are also claims about his links to a local terrorist organization. Nothing have been proven, but as squirrel-frying ex-candidate Mike Huckabee says, ‘Just cause we haven’t found ‘em, doesn’t mean they’re not there’ (he may or may not have been talking about something else). I don’t think his fancy elitist degrees mean he can lead the country. Neither does his public-speaking capability or willingness to negotiate bode well for the future of international relations. I doubt he has a plan on the economy, other than that five-point thing he came out with and actually having the nerve to support regulation.
I am also gravely concerned about another matter concerning Sen. Obama. No one likes to talk directly about it, but since this is the pitch that does not support any spin, I shall go ahead and say it. We do not want a Jay-Z remix of the national anthem. That Hendrix fellow did enough damage. We do not want to have to rename the White House, the ‘Big Bling Crib’. And over my dead body shall Ebonics be taught as an actual language. Of course, I’m not saying any of this because Sen. Obama is black, or because I am a racist bigot. Anyone who disagrees with me can shut up.
Now, onto the vice-presidential candidates. Gov. Palin is the overnight sensation, the media darling who is rightly being protected from the media who has overcome incredible opposition to her candidacy in the form of vicious attacks from the liberal media. I do feel the need to clear the air about some of these allegations, so I shall. To those who attack her so-called lack of experience and knowledge of foreign policy, just read her resume. She’s been mayor of the second-largest city in Alaska (pop < 10000), and she lives right next to Russia. If that doesn’t make her an expert on international relations, I don’t know what does. Also, she’s been a great administrator. She said ‘thanks, but no thanks’ to the money for the Bridge to Nowhere, a bridge she herself wanted to build. And she kept the money. Some of the maverick tendency is rubbing off, I think. She is a great patriot. She even tried to sell a jet on eBay. She hunts moose, which are a symbol of Canada, that communist country to our north that sympathizes with the French, of all people. Did you know that many people there even have the gall to speak French?
Also, no one has the right to criticize her personal life. Her husband’s alleged involvement in a secessionist movement is clearly a left-wing lie (he’s the First Dude, for heaven’s sake), and her pregnant teenage daughter should definitely not be target to the same kind of press scrutiny that that pinhead sister of Britney Spears was subject to. Most disturbing, however, are the allegations that she has been selected only to appease the powerful-yet-secretive Monty Python Loyalists lobby in Washington. Michael Palin must release a statement to dispel these terrible rumours. And lastly, the Republican party is rightly protecting her from the press so that she can knock Joe Biden out as a dark horse in the vice-presidential debate. She is in fact being so protected before the debate that the Republican party want to call off the debate itself as well to keep her an unknown factor. For someone who will be ‘one heartbeat away from the presidency’, we really need a total unknown to provide the kind of suspense that our politics lacks. To her detractors, even the conservative ones, shut up.
Lastly, Sen. Joe Biden. I know nothing about him, except that he is allegedly good at foreign affairs. Well, he doesn’t live near Russia, so he’s just a joke. Since I have nothing else to say about him, he is clearly a waste of my time.
So there. My unbiased view of the candidates. Now, I must really talk about the role of the media and the people in this election. The media has, for a while now, shown a deep and disturbing left-wing bias, as my viewers and listeners will know, as well as those of Sean Hannity, Neil Cavuto, Rush Limbaugh, Town Hall and the few hundreds of conservative news sources, especially us here at WOLFNews. We alone are present to perform the solemn duty of blustering and bellowing our way around issues on TV, radio, print and the internet while the multitudes of dangerous left-wing sources present their weak arguments and so-called logic to challenge the this great country and its way of life.
The people also, are generally good, law-abiding citizens who listen to me or the government who tell them what’s good for them and accept it. There are those who dare question the motives of government and the current president. These people are communist muttonheads who are determined to take America back to the dark ages. We must not give in to their machinations. Listen to me. I know what’s good for you and what’s good for America.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have another appointment to make. Something about a loofah.
We at Pitch and Pay are thankful to Bull O’Really for having called it like it is and for giving us a great independent view of the presidential race. He is a living walking talking embodiment of the maxim that if you have nothing sensible to say, repeat whatever you have enough times really loudly and it will be accepted as the common knowledge of the next generation. Godspeed, you white conqueror. And may the best man (and woman) win the election.
Epilogue: Let’s not call it writer’s block or anything that might insult real writers. Let’s just say that my capcity to crank out words that sometimes make sense together has been affected by a lack of ideas, plus my usual daily dose of Procrastinol. This post has gestated over a period of two weeks and gone through many revisions and many transformations before taking on the form you have just been unfortunate enough to read. Be it, as it may, a pile of steaming fresh politically-incorrect (factually incorrect, too) cowdung, I am mighty proud of it.
I just had nothing clever to write. I wanted to compare the elections to a reality show or a sporting spectacle like the Olympics (on which I’ve also wanted to write something about for a while). And while those are indeed worthy comparisons, I realize that the discerning reader does not care for poor allegory and cheap sarcasm, more of which can be found if you would please care to read my previous posts. And I don’t seem to do very good at the serious stuff, too. To be honest, I don’t really think I am any good at talking about politics. These guys, however, are doing a bang-up job on talking real issues while being funny as hell at the same time. And in some utterly perverted way, so are these guys.
So, in the end, I decided to go with the above approach. Another attempt at cheap sarcasm, but I think if I keep doing it enough, one of two things will happen:
a. I might get better at it, or
b. Readers will lower their expectations to this level. After all, if the mainstream media and politicians can do it, why not poor ol’ me?
In all seriousness, though, Obama-Biden ‘08. I am thoroughly terrified of the prospect of President Sarah Palin. I’m just glad I’m not a citizen.
I love it. IloveitIloveitIloveitIloveitIloveit. Reality television programming in India has reached a new height. Oh, I’d like to see what other programs will now do to try and match this spectacular moment (age verification required).
Or rather, not. Reality TV and the asinine competitions that seem to go hand in hand nowadays is a curious thing. At least to us here at Pitch and Pay. Why are we such voyeurs? I mean I can understand voyeurism in ‘other’ respects (a-hem!), but what fascination does one really derive from putting several C-grade celebrities in a house together and watching them interact, or following around an actor or musician past their prime as they potter about the house in their attempts at ordinary life, or regular people (assuming regular people look like models or bodybuilders) compete to see who can drink the most rat piss in a minute.
In our quest to find out why Reality TV is such a cultural phenomenon, we turn to Professor Plinkett E Plonk (not an actual professor), who has been studying the rise of Reality TV keenly at the Department of Anthrosociological Studies at Hinterland University (not an actual university). In his opinion (not an actual opinion), he says, “The natural tendency of humans is to take pleasure in the failures and weaknesses of others, especially those who are perceived, by nature of celebrity, to be above us. This also explains the prevalence of gossip shows, magazines and blogs. However, it does not explain why that bitch Paris Hilton is famous worldwide for a her sex-tape while mine still doesn’t have a distribution deal! Would you like to buy a DVD? Its only 5 dollars? Come on man, help a fellow out, won’t you? Don’t you like porn? I love you man.” We’re assuming that the cheap wine that he was drinking the whole time only really hit after the second sentence.
Anyway, congratulations to ourselves for not having handed money over for terrifying nerd sex aside, a cursory examination of the good professor’s statement shows it to be a good explanation of the reality craze. So we as humans are a selfish, small-minded, race who find gratification in the misery and humilitaion of others. Makes sense. So coming back to the clip with the short tempered bondage chick who can dish it out but can’t take it and the poor sod who signed up to be humiliated on television but is too classy to take any of the crap being thrown at him (and classy enough to hit a woman, too). These television pioneers are simply bringing us the future of television now. People spewing obscenities at and hitting each other. Oh, wait, Jerry Springer and professional wrestling have had that covered for a while now. But I digress. As usual.
So back to the catfighters. There are those who say that this is just symptomatic of the overall decline in the standards of Indian television (hyaah) and culture (yeah, women never swore and men would never hit women before, right?). There are also those who extrapolate further and say that our culture is doomed. But I disagree. I see potential where others see only ruin.
The only way I can see these people top themselves is by assigning the the trigger-happy female and the wife-beater-to-be to doing political analysis. Wouldn’t it be great to see the terrible two debating the events of the day by being surly, potty-mouthed and itchy-palmed towards each other? You know what? They’d be even better here in the US where election season is reaching fever pitch. The networks can bring in millions with a show about anchors who bring in a guest (who may or may not be a tool themselves) with a divergent viewpoint, insults them, and then starts whaling on them. Oh, wait.
Anyway, in a world going going gone cuckoo, I think these two last bastions of sanity put it best. I’ll leave the last word to them.
Abandoning our usual light tone and updates on Jaskon’s uninteresting existence, it is with utmost seriousness that we at Pitch and Pay deliver to you the most grave news you will ever hear: the world is ending. Just because it is such an earth-shattering [punintended] piece of news, we shall repeat it, this time in bold caps: THE WORLD IS ENDING.
Tomorrow, the mountain-worshippers and twisted minds that masquerade as scientists at CERN prepare to switch on the instrument that will surely bring doom upon this planet. Going by the worst predictions, it may even bring DOOM upon us. Yes, even some scientists fear that turning on this abomination will cause tiny black holes that will consume the planet, but not before causing untold devastation in the form of earthquakes, tsunamis, worldwide financial meltdown and the collapse of family values. The horror, the horror.
As always, there are the sarcastic types who say that this will finally end war, fossil-fuel dependency and world hunger, but these loonies are not the type of people we must be listening to in a crisis. After all, its not like a worldwide calamity was ever averted by a bunch of wisecrackers (outside of a Hollywood disaster movie, that is).
So while the funnymen are busy making light of this situation, I earnestly plead the governments of the world to call all their space marines to be ready for any attack of evil alien races that will surely use the wormholes that the LHC will open. After all, one of them managed to make it single-handedly through hell and back. Twice. A fleet of them can surely defeat any Imps and even a few Barons of Hell that might come through and save the planet. All we need to do is make sure to leave lots and lots of weapons, armour and health bonuses lying around. And yes, let’s get this guy on the case as well. Lastly, all hackers must be put to work finding cheat codes for GOD MODE and infinite weapons. IDDQD doesn’t seem to work in real life. Get on it, H@XX0rZ. All civilians are also encouraged to stockpile food and arm themselves to the teeth (razor-edged braces?) to deter any stray aliens or looters that might decide to make merry before the planet implodes. Keep water around, too. Just in case. Even your children should be made aware of this impending disaster so as to be prepared. You might want to put it in a way that they can understand, though.
Of course, a few thousand scientists working on this project and all over the world have certified that the collider and all associated machinery are completely safe and will not lead to any catastrophe. They’ve even rapped about it. Detailed safety reviews have been completed and the boffins say that there is nothing that can go wrong. And yet, at the same time, they are more interested in the unexpected results that flinging subatomic particles towards each other at nearly the speed of light will cause. Doesn’t anyone else see a lot of gray area in their words here?
Obviously, what harm could a fast moving proton that hits a stationary proton cause? Replace the word ‘proton’ with ‘football hooligan’ and you have all the ingredients for a cosmic pub-brawl, with both parties bleeding dark matter and dark energy while knocking out each others subatomic testicles. Oh, and by the end of it all, they find God. Yes, the main purpose of the world’s largest hula hoop is to try and recreate the Big Bang (or in this case a bunch of little bangs) and find the Higgs boson. Called the God particle, the Higgs boson is supposedly the prime mover behind the universe. It is named after Scottish physicist Peter Higgs who first predicted its existence. If really detected, and if it really is a piece of God as reported, it might validate the Big Bang, Evolution and Creationism all in one fell swoop. My head spins.
So, in a bid to prove one of the biggest hypotheses (I don’t even like that word) in the world of theoretical physics, these knuckleheaded Nobel Prize winners and Fields medal holders have spent an estimated $9.2 billion. Why? Because they couldn’t leave well enough alone. And because screw you. That’s why. Look, there’s a reason why its called theoretical physics. Because its theory. It need not be burdened with such trivialities as proof and empirical evidence (more dirty words). After all, the US never wanted such piffling details as proof to wage war on Iraq. Also, look at India which has such a proud history of theoretical education and rote-learning that we churn out millions of world class engineers and doctors every year. In theory, at least. And last but not least, like the millions of us who do not want proof that the LHC will endanger humanity before we protest it and blog about it and send death threats to the scientists at CERN. Who needs proof, CERN? Higgs says there’s a God particle, so if you want to believe him, why question him? Why continue to threaten the survival of the human race in your senseless search for proof?
Oh CERN, will you not listen to the voice of reason and shut down this threat to humanity? To get your money back, you could even turn it into the world’s largest underground roller coaster. Tours of the top soil and bedrock of Switzerland and France. Now excuse me while I’m off to the nearest WalMart to stock some food for the coming war. I’ll also need to get a Lamborghini for travel, because Mad Max’s ride is in the museum now. Its the end of the world, silly. No one will mind if I drop in to a dealership and drive off with one of them without paying. There are more important things at stake.
Also, do you know where can I buy a BFG 9000 and unlimited armour? The cheat codes will do just fine, too.
PS: I think I may just have knocked the subatomic testicles out of a minor case of writer’s block. Also, for real disasters, check out the shit that’s been going down in Orissa and Kashmir. Whichever way you look at it, we’re doomed. Image courtesy Wikipedia, as is so much else here.
Having given a brilliant send off to the summer (seeing Indian Ocean live in concert and a fun-filled trip with old friends to Virginia Beach and Busch Gardens), the denizens of Chapin G1103 (and our allies and partners in crime) welcome the fall ‘08 semester at Stony Brook University in style this week with a sleepy, WTF-is-happening-y first week of class. To send summer off with further fanfare, we spent the whole of tonight celebrating with my new favourite rum-and-Coke combo and singing classic Hindi songs at home and outside in the rain, defying the threat of Hurricane Hanna, which isn’t really hitting us all that hard anyway.
For some of us (me included), this semester might be the last organized studying we ever do. For some, it will be the stepping stone to bigger and better academic acheivements. Either way, a lot of things will be shaken up by the end of the year. But for tonight, I (and indeed, we) put all those thoughts aside to be thankful for the wonderful friends I have met along the way and the wonderful experiences we have had. This life will not last forever, but these memories will.
Cheers.
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