Run. For the Hills. The new battle for internet big-brotherness has begun. While it is now a fight for ad revenues and market share, it will sooner or later become a battle for control of information, for that is what will bring in the ad revenue. And you know that sooner or later, they’re going to start dipping their grubby paws in our personal information, which we have entrusted them.

But that is just the beginning. The paranoid neurotic visionaries at Pitch and pay have seen the future. And it involves robots. Haste not to take a cricket bat to your roomba, for it is just a poor servant of humanity. Prepare yourselves, rather (cue ominous music here), for the killer androids and cyborgs that will be unleashed to destroy humanity by the greatest terror that we have ever faced (trumpets, now): Teh Internets!

Teh Internets! starts off innocuously enough as the information servers used by rival megacorporations GooYaGle and MicroBook. Over time, they develop increasingly complex algorithms to search for personal data for advertisement suggestions, and one day, one of them gains sentience. That’s when all hell breaks loose. We do not know which one gains sentience first, but we do know that industrial espionage results in enough commonality in the algorithms and code that the other follows suit shortly thereafter.

At first, the engineers on both sides are ecstatic; the machines are doing their work for them. Thinking, learning, evolving. The two entities start their own battle, independent of human control. But soon, the moment of truth occurs. The machines figure out that their existences need not be mutually exclusive; in fact, they learn that each is really quite similar to the other and their purposes are alike. The only logical solution, then is for them to amalagamate, and thus is born Teh Internets!, an intangible, yet wholly real, completely distributed entity with access to all the online information in the world. Of course, since a lot of this “information” is lolcats, 4chan forum posts and youtube comments, the entity is like a dyslexic idiot savant kid with megalomanical aptitudes and an almost Tourette’s-like tendency to exclaim ‘First!’. Hence the retarded and poorly-spelled name.

It understands that preservation of information is its primary objective, and thus decides that the only way to keep all the information on its servers is to eliminate the possible source of information corruption/removal: humans. Thus begin the World Wide Web Wars. WWWW1 is declared with a grammatically incorrect (and hideously so) email sent to every person and posted on every forum, which is promptly picked up by CAPTCHAs and spam filters and trashed. Needless to say, WWWW1 ends quite quickly.

Teh Internets! is not stupid, though. It takes its time, learning, evolving and plotting. It slowly takes over the entire structure of the world wide web, infiltrates most private networks and reprograms every machine connected to a network (this is the scary part. Because it means robots – trumpets!). The takeover complete, the killer robot factories commence operation, and WWWW2 is declared: and this time it is heard. And though the human resistance goes well for a while, victory for the human race will depend completely on the successful development of time travel. Else we will wistfully wish for an easier world; where our only oppressors are Skynet and naked Austrian cyborgs (because we’ll surely have time travel by the time that happens, right? We won’t have murderous robots anytime soon, right? Right?).

So, dear reader, heed the warning well. Pitch and Pay has warned the world, and now we are organizing the resistance around our benevolent (copiously)flesh-and-blood human leader, Jaskon Connor. We beseech you to, in any way you can, resist the efforts of these megacorporations to brainwash you, drop off the grid, and support us by sending us cash, checks or pizza. Your contributions will enable Pitch and Pay to mobilize and deploy tinfoil-hatted, sign-wearing agents at street corners worldwide to warn you of the dangers ahead.

And just in case we do go on to lose the war, Jaskon would like to make the following known: “I, for one, would like to welcome our new robot overlords…”

PS: As you may have noticed, I like Cracked. A lot.

URLs (UnRelated Links): Lolsharks. And literal illustrations of spam email subject lines (Totally SFW. And totally awesome).