In Transit.

Again.

Don’t expect too many updates for the next couple of months or so. Unless I happen to stumble into an internet cafe or something. Or if I can leech a wireless signal from a nearby house (unlikely).

You can heave your sighs of relief now.

Spamming Me Softly

I don’t really get a lot of email. Most of what I do get is neatly filtered away by the Gmail server to the spam folder. And I imagine good folks at Google are pretty good at blocking spam from entering my inbox. That’s why, when I received an email today from a Malaysian lawyer saying I had been chosen by lucky draw to inherit about $6 million of his late client‘s money, I knew it had to be genuine. Hey, if you can’t trust an unknown person offering you millions in exchange for your bank account number, well then who can you trust?

Of course, the offer carried a stipulation that the cash be used for philanthropic purposes. Perfect, because I just so happen to represent a worthy cause in mind that could use some money. So, I should contact this fellow and claim the money, right? Glad you agree with me. I might set aside a cheeseburger for you.

So, I’m drafting a letter, and I’d like your opinion first. Does this sound okay? I want to make a good first impression, you know.

Dear Mr. Fancy Pants Malaysian Lawyer,

First of all, thank you for your email. I’ve been hearing about the recent spate of Malaysian millionaire philanthropists that have been kicking the bucket and willing their riches to randomly selected recipients, and I’ve been wondering when it would be my turn. And its about time, I say. What took you so long? But, that’s not important. What is is that you have finally found the right person.

Before we start, let me congratulate you on your move from Nigeria to Malaysia. I imagine the move must have been necessary. I mean, just how many more diplomats and government officials seeking to move cash out of the country are there, right? I hope you find new the business just as good, and hope you have the best of luck helping dying millionaires finding people willing to spend their money, as I am sure their families do not in the least object.

So, where were we? Yes, the money. Well, here’s the deal. I see from your email that your client wanted the money to go towards a charitable cause. Let me congratulate you once again on having selected the right person because I just so happen to know a cause that could use the money: the JHBF (Jaskon’s Hungry Belly Fund), which works for the welfare of one very needy person (hereinafter referred to as ‘me’ or ‘I’). Luckily for both of us, your random selection process found me and not someone who would undoubtedly have used the money for his or her own selfish needs.

So that’s settled. Now, down to business. I can not give you my bank account number. I can’t give you the number because I do not have one. My previous bank account was frozen by the government on account of suspicious transactions between myself and certain manufacturers of cherry pastries and axle grease. Its a long story, one that I can hopefully regale you with at length when I have got my millions and we are sipping champagne in the spa of a 5 star hotel in Kuala Lumpur, being waited upon hand and foot by well toned, scantily clad Malaysian nymphets. You will join me in the spa, no? Just because I think we could, you know, hang out together. Really, no homo.

But, matters of R&R aside, I am prepared to catch the next flight to Kuala Lum, just as soon as you can advance me the money for a return ticket. Or better yet, I will be much obliged if you could provide me a boat for the trip, as I have reason to believe that customs agents and the Coast Guard are still on the lookout for me. A silly misunderstanding it was (who would have known about the trade tariffs on ball bearings in the Caribbean nations, right?), but better to be safe than sorry till I can get my hands on enough cash to bribe them for further trips.

So, once I get to Malaysia, I hope we can arrange for the money to be handed over to me in cash (preferably unmarked $100 bills). If not, a draft in the name of ‘M/s ABC Ball Bearings and Pastries’ will do just fine. After which, it would be greatly appreciated if a fake passport could be made available to me, with a visa stamped for Disneyland. I shall give you the freedom of picking the name that appears on the passport. Just don’t make it anything too obvious like McLovin.

Then, we shall move on to the next phase of the plan. We shall build a jungle fortress and recruit locals and train them in weapons and martial arts. When they are ready, we shall inva- wait, my eleven year old cousin just told me that emails offering random people large amounts of money in exchange for bank account numbers and personal data are really fraud schemes. I can’t believe it. Mr. Lawyer, I really thought you were genuinely trying to help me. (Sniff) I thought we could be friends. Is this how you would treat a friend?

I am very disappointed in you, sir. You bring a great shame on the nation of Malaysia. Why, I bet even the Nigerian gentleman who emailed me last week is a scamster, then (Note to self: Smack self in the head for providing credit card information). Is there no honour left in the world? I must therefore inform you that, as of this moment, this deal is off. I do not want your fraudulent money and friendship. My charity will carry on without you, on the sale of deep fried cupcakes alone.

Though I’ll still hang out with you in the spa, if you’re interested.

Yours indignantly,
Jaskon

I really wonder if, somewhere in Lagos or Kuala Lumpur, some wealthy diplomat’s lawyer is sitting on a few million dollars, genuinely waiting for someone to reply to his email. Or this, in Russia:

Yeah, I wonder why

URL (UnRelated Link): Indians responsible for attacks on Indians in Australia. Wait, what?

United: We Stand Pwned!

How much can be accomplished in a day? A little, or a lot. Depends on who you ask. And how they went ahead trying to accomplish it. If you ask Canadian band Sons of Maxwell, they probably have a good answer for you:

As someone who once sat through an entire 17 hour flight (not United) with my butt cheeks clenched because I was afraid for my guitar (inexpensive by most counts, but not my own) which was in the overhead compartment right above me, I empathize sincerely with Dave Carroll, who saw his $3500 guitar thrown about and broken by the troglodytes in United’s baggage handling (Read the whole story in his own words. Please do). Thankfully, my guitar made it through the trip in one piece.

So, in just the one day after this video was posted on YouTube, it has received thousands of views and comments, and apparently finally got the notice of United, who now want to settle the matter with Dave Carroll (using some pretty punny language, I might add).

As an enthusiast of underdog moments in cinema, literature and real-life (which I am sure many of us are), it gives me great joy and vicarious pleasure in watching a wronged person take on a big corporation single-handedly and come out on top. “Customer Service” is rarely ever that anymore, and congratulations to Dave on beating the system and the corporation the only way its possible anymore: by leaving them with egg on their face. In public. And to the band’s great credit, they did it with wit and creativity rather than plain old rigteous indignation.

So, how much can be accomplished in a day? Well, you could take on a corporate behemoth with next to zero regard for its customers, and you just might come out on top. Sometimes, I think there is some justice in this world.

Reader Poll: Do you think this might work in India?

URL (UnRelated Link): I am Murloc, from Blizzard’s in-house band. Now, who would have thought that geeks who make MMORPGs are the power metal type?

Online Voices Of The Gay Debate

As the various banners and flags waved gaily with much joy on your TV screens a couple of days ago may have clued you in, gay sex with a consenting partner is no longer grounds for imprisonment in India (imprisonment which, ironically, would often lead to gay sex with/as a non-consenting partner).

But at PnP, we are not easily satisfied with the news. We want to know what the Mango Man thinks of this pink red letter day for human rights in India, and so we sent our best reporters out to the streets to find out. Okay, so it was really just the comments boards of Rediff and the Times of India, but in their defense, they are two of the funniest places online.  To our shock and surprise, there’s a lot of haters out there.

And being the anal [Editor: it just never ends, does it?], compulsive list-monkeys that we are, we had to compile a list of the different kinds of well-informed, soft-spoken people you can expect to find on news websites, determined to let the world know exactly what they think of gays, why they are right and why anyone who thinks otherwise is a pinhead. So, without further ado, PnP presents the result of our research, brought to you by Kellogg’s Froot Loops [Editor: ay, cut that out].

Online Voices of the Gay Debate: A Study in Insanity

1. The Culture Warrior

The most frequently seen of the lot, the culture warrior is a self-appointed guardian of all that is good and right in Indian culture, which just happens to be all of it. Imported diseases like Valentine’s day, homosexuality and women in pubs are weakening our moral fabric, so the morality must be knocked back into the offenders, often with a kind word and a hockey stick. Probably pines for the time when 13 year olds could marry, and widows had to jump in the fire. Ahh, the good old days.

Sample comment:

“Slam this decision. Its a blot to our culture and dignity. What point are we trying to prove here? Have we become ultra modern and can withstand anything in the society. Sorry to say but this is not we stand for we dont need these laws that allow more hatred and crime. Lets just hope the supreme court comes and restores the sanity.”

2. The Wrath of the Almighty

A nuttier variant of the above, he wastes no time letting you know that fire and brimstone will soon be rained upon homosexuals and their supporters for gross perversion of heavenly diktat. Calmly hides under the banner of religion and goes on to blame all other religions for bringing this menace upon his own. Is afraid that decriminalization will lead to large scale recruitment and induction into the gay community and exodus from the right way of life (ie, his). Probably a closet case.

Sample comment:

“There was only one place on planet earth where used to live DEVTAS,don’t know if that will be case in future as India moves one step forward to join western worlds”

AND

“Really bad…You gays go to the Hell. I wish if God had come and destroyed all these useless craps.
You Almighty…I believe in you. Let your kingdome come.”

3. Logic Baba

Explains to us, by forcing our mind to jump through logical hoops arranged in the most Rube Goldberg-ian of fashions before we arrive at the conclusion, why we must say nay to being gay (that rhymes. I did that on purpose). Because obviously, now that its legal, gay attack gangs are preparing to violate the rest of us in broad daylight and devour children whole. Probably was class monitor in school, which remains the highest position of power he has occupied.

Sample comment:

“What would happened to romantic bollywood songs?Music company will have to bring fresh GAY edition of songs. I wonder what would be lyrics?? Earlier boys would chase and try to PATOO(persuade) ladki only, now some boys would be chasing boys for PATAOO (Pesuading)Ladka, by saying what & how I wonder.It is so funny to imagine that comedy scene, hahahahaahahahahaha.
Do we have a GAY movie in Bollywood(not just scenes), remember anybody??
Now we also have to watchful when we stand in queue, may be a Gay standing just behind you, hahahahaahahahahahaha”

AND

“If anybody says gays are by birth and related to genes…can they tell if a new born is a gay or not?
This is height of shamelessness that people approve gay relationship.
Anybody who are approving gay relationship….may their next generation become gay…then they will realize and have”

AND

“Sex without marriage has never been approved in Indian society. My point is when Gay marriage is not legal in India, How can Gay sex be made legal??Does High court mean gays can enjoy Sex even without mariage As they cannot marry in India.”

4. The Doctor

This son of Logic Baba usually claims to be a physician or psychologist, and likes to pull medical facts out of his ass to present a rational, scientific case against homosexuality. The kinder ones insist it is a medical/psychological condition that can be treated and cured (curiously, no one mentions how), and that such ‘patients’ should seek medical help immediately. Before this becomes an epidemic, apparently. Definitely an attention whore and probably a quack who read ‘Med School for Dummies’, unless he’s a real doctor, which is even more depressing.

Sample comment:

“You think gay is perfectly biological and its not a disease…Have you seen any other animal besides humans exhibiting gay behavior…I don’t care whether God exists or not, nature does…And no one other than stupid humans in the nature have gayness…And its caused by hormonal disbalance…Whenever we have any another hormonal disbalance we go and treat it, then why not treat faggotness”

5. The False Neutral

This person invariably starts off with a clarification (“I’m not gay, but..”) and goes on to say how much he respects the government decision, and how this piece of legislation will no longer be a pain in the ass [Editor: uhh, /facepalm] for the gay community. Then goes on to perform a quick stab-and-twist routine by saying, in effect, “but just because its legal it doesn’t mean its morally right”. Probably has trouble choosing what to eat every morning.

There is also a large crowd that encourages homosexuality strictly from a point of view of keeping the population down. Good luck!

Sample Comment:

“Good decision, however I am totally anti gay and believe that some people turn to it in search of acceptance. It may or may not be anti religion but it certainly is against nature and should be discouraged as much as possible! THat being said no one has the right to interfere with any individuals personal choices no matter how wierd they might be!”

6. Prince Valiant

The figter for reason, this person will go to any end to convince one of the above categories with well-thought out, reasonable arguments, only to be drawn further into the nether regions of the discussion as they try unsuccessfully, post after post, to counter crass browbeating and non-sequitur logic. Well-meaning, patient, and a voice of reason. Probably a hippie, or Obsessive-Compulsive about setting the record straight to the point of anal-retentiveness.

Basically, this guy.

Sample comment:

“What is wrong with this world today… Y so judgmental.. let me say something in questions
Why is gayism a religious issue?
If gayism is bad to society, then what abt divorces?
If gayism is to be illegal and punishable by law then y not divorces?.. broken homes coz alot of social issues and evils too.. don’t they?…
I don’t believe anyone in this world has the right to tell anyone whom they should spend the rest of their life with. Its love.. its blind.. i think the true issue is when couples/marriages split up!.. loving is better than hating ..
cheers”

Invariably followed by:

“OMG ur so gay!!!”

7. Confusius

This person has likely never bothered to open his biology textbook and has only the faintest idea of how sex works. May have wandered onto the comment board since the TV news report didn’t have labelled pictures and because the anchors didn’t say the words slowly and ask the viewer to repeat after them. Probably does not read user manuals and wonders why his cellphone won’t switch the TV off from the couch.

Sample comment:

“the wording is ambiguous. is it legal or illegal to have homosexual sex between people of opposite sex when they are consenting adults? What is meant by non-vaginal sex?”

Indeed.

URL (UnRelated Link): Quite related, actually.

Note to the editor: We fully expect a bonus for wading through all that dreck the past two days, while doing our research for this article.

Editor: We’ll see at the fag end of the month. Hah! Revenge IS sweet.