As the various banners and flags waved gaily with much joy on your TV screens a couple of days ago may have clued you in, gay sex with a consenting partner is no longer grounds for imprisonment in India (imprisonment which, ironically, would often lead to gay sex with/as a non-consenting partner).

But at PnP, we are not easily satisfied with the news. We want to know what the Mango Man thinks of this pink red letter day for human rights in India, and so we sent our best reporters out to the streets to find out. Okay, so it was really just the comments boards of Rediff and the Times of India, but in their defense, they are two of the funniest places online.  To our shock and surprise, there’s a lot of haters out there.

And being the anal [Editor: it just never ends, does it?], compulsive list-monkeys that we are, we had to compile a list of the different kinds of well-informed, soft-spoken people you can expect to find on news websites, determined to let the world know exactly what they think of gays, why they are right and why anyone who thinks otherwise is a pinhead. So, without further ado, PnP presents the result of our research, brought to you by Kellogg’s Froot Loops [Editor: ay, cut that out].

Online Voices of the Gay Debate: A Study in Insanity

1. The Culture Warrior

The most frequently seen of the lot, the culture warrior is a self-appointed guardian of all that is good and right in Indian culture, which just happens to be all of it. Imported diseases like Valentine’s day, homosexuality and women in pubs are weakening our moral fabric, so the morality must be knocked back into the offenders, often with a kind word and a hockey stick. Probably pines for the time when 13 year olds could marry, and widows had to jump in the fire. Ahh, the good old days.

Sample comment:

“Slam this decision. Its a blot to our culture and dignity. What point are we trying to prove here? Have we become ultra modern and can withstand anything in the society. Sorry to say but this is not we stand for we dont need these laws that allow more hatred and crime. Lets just hope the supreme court comes and restores the sanity.”

2. The Wrath of the Almighty

A nuttier variant of the above, he wastes no time letting you know that fire and brimstone will soon be rained upon homosexuals and their supporters for gross perversion of heavenly diktat. Calmly hides under the banner of religion and goes on to blame all other religions for bringing this menace upon his own. Is afraid that decriminalization will lead to large scale recruitment and induction into the gay community and exodus from the right way of life (ie, his). Probably a closet case.

Sample comment:

“There was only one place on planet earth where used to live DEVTAS,don’t know if that will be case in future as India moves one step forward to join western worlds”

AND

“Really bad…You gays go to the Hell. I wish if God had come and destroyed all these useless craps.
You Almighty…I believe in you. Let your kingdome come.”

3. Logic Baba

Explains to us, by forcing our mind to jump through logical hoops arranged in the most Rube Goldberg-ian of fashions before we arrive at the conclusion, why we must say nay to being gay (that rhymes. I did that on purpose). Because obviously, now that its legal, gay attack gangs are preparing to violate the rest of us in broad daylight and devour children whole. Probably was class monitor in school, which remains the highest position of power he has occupied.

Sample comment:

“What would happened to romantic bollywood songs?Music company will have to bring fresh GAY edition of songs. I wonder what would be lyrics?? Earlier boys would chase and try to PATOO(persuade) ladki only, now some boys would be chasing boys for PATAOO (Pesuading)Ladka, by saying what & how I wonder.It is so funny to imagine that comedy scene, hahahahaahahahahaha.
Do we have a GAY movie in Bollywood(not just scenes), remember anybody??
Now we also have to watchful when we stand in queue, may be a Gay standing just behind you, hahahahaahahahahahaha”

AND

“If anybody says gays are by birth and related to genes…can they tell if a new born is a gay or not?
This is height of shamelessness that people approve gay relationship.
Anybody who are approving gay relationship….may their next generation become gay…then they will realize and have”

AND

“Sex without marriage has never been approved in Indian society. My point is when Gay marriage is not legal in India, How can Gay sex be made legal??Does High court mean gays can enjoy Sex even without mariage As they cannot marry in India.”

4. The Doctor

This son of Logic Baba usually claims to be a physician or psychologist, and likes to pull medical facts out of his ass to present a rational, scientific case against homosexuality. The kinder ones insist it is a medical/psychological condition that can be treated and cured (curiously, no one mentions how), and that such ‘patients’ should seek medical help immediately. Before this becomes an epidemic, apparently. Definitely an attention whore and probably a quack who read ‘Med School for Dummies’, unless he’s a real doctor, which is even more depressing.

Sample comment:

“You think gay is perfectly biological and its not a disease…Have you seen any other animal besides humans exhibiting gay behavior…I don’t care whether God exists or not, nature does…And no one other than stupid humans in the nature have gayness…And its caused by hormonal disbalance…Whenever we have any another hormonal disbalance we go and treat it, then why not treat faggotness”

5. The False Neutral

This person invariably starts off with a clarification (“I’m not gay, but..”) and goes on to say how much he respects the government decision, and how this piece of legislation will no longer be a pain in the ass [Editor: uhh, /facepalm] for the gay community. Then goes on to perform a quick stab-and-twist routine by saying, in effect, “but just because its legal it doesn’t mean its morally right”. Probably has trouble choosing what to eat every morning.

There is also a large crowd that encourages homosexuality strictly from a point of view of keeping the population down. Good luck!

Sample Comment:

“Good decision, however I am totally anti gay and believe that some people turn to it in search of acceptance. It may or may not be anti religion but it certainly is against nature and should be discouraged as much as possible! THat being said no one has the right to interfere with any individuals personal choices no matter how wierd they might be!”

6. Prince Valiant

The figter for reason, this person will go to any end to convince one of the above categories with well-thought out, reasonable arguments, only to be drawn further into the nether regions of the discussion as they try unsuccessfully, post after post, to counter crass browbeating and non-sequitur logic. Well-meaning, patient, and a voice of reason. Probably a hippie, or Obsessive-Compulsive about setting the record straight to the point of anal-retentiveness.

Basically, this guy.

Sample comment:

“What is wrong with this world today… Y so judgmental.. let me say something in questions
Why is gayism a religious issue?
If gayism is bad to society, then what abt divorces?
If gayism is to be illegal and punishable by law then y not divorces?.. broken homes coz alot of social issues and evils too.. don’t they?…
I don’t believe anyone in this world has the right to tell anyone whom they should spend the rest of their life with. Its love.. its blind.. i think the true issue is when couples/marriages split up!.. loving is better than hating ..
cheers”

Invariably followed by:

“OMG ur so gay!!!”

7. Confusius

This person has likely never bothered to open his biology textbook and has only the faintest idea of how sex works. May have wandered onto the comment board since the TV news report didn’t have labelled pictures and because the anchors didn’t say the words slowly and ask the viewer to repeat after them. Probably does not read user manuals and wonders why his cellphone won’t switch the TV off from the couch.

Sample comment:

“the wording is ambiguous. is it legal or illegal to have homosexual sex between people of opposite sex when they are consenting adults? What is meant by non-vaginal sex?”

Indeed.

URL (UnRelated Link): Quite related, actually.

Note to the editor: We fully expect a bonus for wading through all that dreck the past two days, while doing our research for this article.

Editor: We’ll see at the fag end of the month. Hah! Revenge IS sweet.