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As I’ve mentioned before, I hate to see a missing month in the archive list. So, I’m recylcling an oldie that old friend, ex-colleague and long-time roommate Akru and myself came up with a couple of years ago. The current surplus of free time brought back this till-then repressed memory of a less-complicated time.
Back when we were working, and work we did, we’d find our ways to ‘productively utilize’ downtime by finding creative ways to goof around (he was the creative one, I was the goof). This was one of them. We started compiling a list of names that would be interesting for someone of a mixed religious heritage. We got the idea, of course, from Malayalam cinema which has given us such gems as Cherian Nair, Mary Thampuratty, Simon Nadar and Bilal John Kurisinkal.
The idea was that in the unlikely event that we or anyone we know would ever make a movie, we’d never be at a loss for unique names. Also, these email ids will pretty much always be available. So, without further ado, I present to you:
Unique names for children/movie characters aka doing our part to ensure communal integration
Latheef Namboothiri
Mohammad Aravindan
Habeeb Nair
Madhavan Chacko
Shafeeque Unni
James Moideen
Kunjamina Fernandez
Pathumma George
Scaria Nair
Zulfath Warrier
Alex Potty
Alamelu Xavier
Joseph S Vaidyanathan
Shajahan Nambiar
Jason Hameed
Zubeida Samuel
Melvin Kumar
Krishnan Mathai
Palathingal Madhu Paulose
Shahid Eapen
Fathima Iyer
Sajid Pappachan
Mary Keshavan
Beeran Philip
Sufiyan Panicker
Majeed Alexander
Abhilash Koya
Ashraf Thomas
Shukkoor Thankachan
Zaheer Perumal
Imran Thomas
Raman Chandy
Avirachan Pillai
Eldho Marar
Laila Nambeesan
Steve Raghavan
Nixon Mahadevan
Tinku Namboothiri
Joji Namboothiri
Sunny Rasheed
Kareem Gopalan
Marimuthu Kochouseph
Mujeeb Pithambaran
Imran Das
Shaguftha Peter
Mandira Beevi (the Mandira Bedi of Koyilandi)
Cherian Pillai
Padmapriya Jaleel
Moosa Bhadran
This list is pretty Kerala-specific and therefore may not be very funny to non-malayalees. Unfortunately, most malayalees don’t find it very funny either. Am I really that sophomoric? Whatever. I’d love to see a pan-Indian version of this list.
Please feel free to send in any interesting ideas you may have, if you feel particularly silly today. 
PS: We stopped doing this list when we found out that there was a person in our company named (and I kid you not) Hamsa Ananthapadmanabhan [last name modified]. Truth stranger than fiction? Not yet. The best part: it turned out this Hamsa was a woman. Entamme!
I like videogames. Not so much as to be one of those hardcore gamers who spend every waking hour playing World of Warcraft, but just enough so that, when I like a game, I spend a few (sometimes in double digits) hours a day obsessing about it till it ceases to interest me. Sometimes, some of these games are so interesting that I spend weeks on them. This is when they invade my subconscious.
No, that doesn’t mean I hunt down people with chicken wire and plastic bags Manhunt-style in my sleep, just that sometimes, when I sleep, I see images of crowbars, Doom imps and Minesweeper squares. I also sometimes see them when I’m awake but just about to fall asleep (a condition known as daydreamus procrastinous).
The purpose of me weirding you out with this revelation is to warn you that its finally happened. I think this affliction has moved to the next stage and has started taking over my conscious as well. Let me explain. I am a big fan of the Grand Theft Auto series of games. I like to spend hours playing, exploring and generally creating mayhem in the fictional, yet quite lifelike, game environment. And I think its affected my real world activities as well. The other day, when I was driving (in real life), I accidentally scraped the car against an oncoming autorickshaw (I don’t remember if I was imagining myself playing GTA at the time, though that would be both totally awesome and totally creepy). There wasn’t much damage, just a little give and take of paint on both sides.
Later on, while inspecting the damage, I actually caught myself thinking, ‘No problem. Just reload an earlier save game and…’ Oh dear me, I guess the chicken wire is going to come out sooner or later. So I thought it fair to warn everyone right now. If you see me walking down the street, just wave from a distance. Unless I happen to be carrying a sniper rifle or something.
PS: I realise that my condition is really not that bad yet. I remember The Curious Case of Benjamin ButtKrack, who once, after a long session of playing Counter-Strike, sat up in his sleep, held out his hands as if wielding an AK-47 and cried, ‘Kill the Russian M***erf***ers’, to the consternation of roommate Ice-Tee, who, till then, was sleeping soundly. I don’t think he slept very soundly after that. Ever.
URL (UnRelated Link): Oldie but goldie. Crazy Turk goes on talk show claiming he can fly. They don’t believe him. He flies. Sort of.
I don’t really get a lot of email. Most of what I do get is neatly filtered away by the Gmail server to the spam folder. And I imagine good folks at Google are pretty good at blocking spam from entering my inbox. That’s why, when I received an email today from a Malaysian lawyer saying I had been chosen by lucky draw to inherit about $6 million of his late client‘s money, I knew it had to be genuine. Hey, if you can’t trust an unknown person offering you millions in exchange for your bank account number, well then who can you trust?
Of course, the offer carried a stipulation that the cash be used for philanthropic purposes. Perfect, because I just so happen to represent a worthy cause in mind that could use some money. So, I should contact this fellow and claim the money, right? Glad you agree with me. I might set aside a cheeseburger for you.
So, I’m drafting a letter, and I’d like your opinion first. Does this sound okay? I want to make a good first impression, you know.
Dear Mr. Fancy Pants Malaysian Lawyer,
First of all, thank you for your email. I’ve been hearing about the recent spate of Malaysian millionaire philanthropists that have been kicking the bucket and willing their riches to randomly selected recipients, and I’ve been wondering when it would be my turn. And its about time, I say. What took you so long? But, that’s not important. What is is that you have finally found the right person.
Before we start, let me congratulate you on your move from Nigeria to Malaysia. I imagine the move must have been necessary. I mean, just how many more diplomats and government officials seeking to move cash out of the country are there, right? I hope you find new the business just as good, and hope you have the best of luck helping dying millionaires finding people willing to spend their money, as I am sure their families do not in the least object.
So, where were we? Yes, the money. Well, here’s the deal. I see from your email that your client wanted the money to go towards a charitable cause. Let me congratulate you once again on having selected the right person because I just so happen to know a cause that could use the money: the JHBF (Jaskon’s Hungry Belly Fund), which works for the welfare of one very needy person (hereinafter referred to as ‘me’ or ‘I’). Luckily for both of us, your random selection process found me and not someone who would undoubtedly have used the money for his or her own selfish needs.
So that’s settled. Now, down to business. I can not give you my bank account number. I can’t give you the number because I do not have one. My previous bank account was frozen by the government on account of suspicious transactions between myself and certain manufacturers of cherry pastries and axle grease. Its a long story, one that I can hopefully regale you with at length when I have got my millions and we are sipping champagne in the spa of a 5 star hotel in Kuala Lumpur, being waited upon hand and foot by well toned, scantily clad Malaysian nymphets. You will join me in the spa, no? Just because I think we could, you know, hang out together. Really, no homo.
But, matters of R&R aside, I am prepared to catch the next flight to Kuala Lum, just as soon as you can advance me the money for a return ticket. Or better yet, I will be much obliged if you could provide me a boat for the trip, as I have reason to believe that customs agents and the Coast Guard are still on the lookout for me. A silly misunderstanding it was (who would have known about the trade tariffs on ball bearings in the Caribbean nations, right?), but better to be safe than sorry till I can get my hands on enough cash to bribe them for further trips.
So, once I get to Malaysia, I hope we can arrange for the money to be handed over to me in cash (preferably unmarked $100 bills). If not, a draft in the name of ‘M/s ABC Ball Bearings and Pastries’ will do just fine. After which, it would be greatly appreciated if a fake passport could be made available to me, with a visa stamped for Disneyland. I shall give you the freedom of picking the name that appears on the passport. Just don’t make it anything too obvious like McLovin.
Then, we shall move on to the next phase of the plan. We shall build a jungle fortress and recruit locals and train them in weapons and martial arts. When they are ready, we shall inva- wait, my eleven year old cousin just told me that emails offering random people large amounts of money in exchange for bank account numbers and personal data are really fraud schemes. I can’t believe it. Mr. Lawyer, I really thought you were genuinely trying to help me. (Sniff) I thought we could be friends. Is this how you would treat a friend?
I am very disappointed in you, sir. You bring a great shame on the nation of Malaysia. Why, I bet even the Nigerian gentleman who emailed me last week is a scamster, then (Note to self: Smack self in the head for providing credit card information). Is there no honour left in the world? I must therefore inform you that, as of this moment, this deal is off. I do not want your fraudulent money and friendship. My charity will carry on without you, on the sale of deep fried cupcakes alone.
Though I’ll still hang out with you in the spa, if you’re interested.
Yours indignantly,
Jaskon
I really wonder if, somewhere in Lagos or Kuala Lumpur, some wealthy diplomat’s lawyer is sitting on a few million dollars, genuinely waiting for someone to reply to his email. Or this, in Russia:
Yeah, I wonder why
URL (UnRelated Link): Indians responsible for attacks on Indians in Australia. Wait, what?
As the various banners and flags waved gaily with much joy on your TV screens a couple of days ago may have clued you in, gay sex with a consenting partner is no longer grounds for imprisonment in India (imprisonment which, ironically, would often lead to gay sex with/as a non-consenting partner).
But at PnP, we are not easily satisfied with the news. We want to know what the Mango Man thinks of this pink red letter day for human rights in India, and so we sent our best reporters out to the streets to find out. Okay, so it was really just the comments boards of Rediff and the Times of India, but in their defense, they are two of the funniest places online. To our shock and surprise, there’s a lot of haters out there.
And being the anal [Editor: it just never ends, does it?], compulsive list-monkeys that we are, we had to compile a list of the different kinds of well-informed, soft-spoken people you can expect to find on news websites, determined to let the world know exactly what they think of gays, why they are right and why anyone who thinks otherwise is a pinhead. So, without further ado, PnP presents the result of our research, brought to you by Kellogg’s Froot Loops [Editor: ay, cut that out].
Online Voices of the Gay Debate: A Study in Insanity
1. The Culture Warrior
The most frequently seen of the lot, the culture warrior is a self-appointed guardian of all that is good and right in Indian culture, which just happens to be all of it. Imported diseases like Valentine’s day, homosexuality and women in pubs are weakening our moral fabric, so the morality must be knocked back into the offenders, often with a kind word and a hockey stick. Probably pines for the time when 13 year olds could marry, and widows had to jump in the fire. Ahh, the good old days.
Sample comment:
“Slam this decision. Its a blot to our culture and dignity. What point are we trying to prove here? Have we become ultra modern and can withstand anything in the society. Sorry to say but this is not we stand for we dont need these laws that allow more hatred and crime. Lets just hope the supreme court comes and restores the sanity.”
2. The Wrath of the Almighty
A nuttier variant of the above, he wastes no time letting you know that fire and brimstone will soon be rained upon homosexuals and their supporters for gross perversion of heavenly diktat. Calmly hides under the banner of religion and goes on to blame all other religions for bringing this menace upon his own. Is afraid that decriminalization will lead to large scale recruitment and induction into the gay community and exodus from the right way of life (ie, his). Probably a closet case.
Sample comment:
“There was only one place on planet earth where used to live DEVTAS,don’t know if that will be case in future as India moves one step forward to join western worlds”
AND
“Really bad…You gays go to the Hell. I wish if God had come and destroyed all these useless craps.
You Almighty…I believe in you. Let your kingdome come.”
3. Logic Baba
Explains to us, by forcing our mind to jump through logical hoops arranged in the most Rube Goldberg-ian of fashions before we arrive at the conclusion, why we must say nay to being gay (that rhymes. I did that on purpose). Because obviously, now that its legal, gay attack gangs are preparing to violate the rest of us in broad daylight and devour children whole. Probably was class monitor in school, which remains the highest position of power he has occupied.
Sample comment:
“What would happened to romantic bollywood songs?Music company will have to bring fresh GAY edition of songs. I wonder what would be lyrics?? Earlier boys would chase and try to PATOO(persuade) ladki only, now some boys would be chasing boys for PATAOO (Pesuading)Ladka, by saying what & how I wonder.It is so funny to imagine that comedy scene, hahahahaahahahahaha.
Do we have a GAY movie in Bollywood(not just scenes), remember anybody??
Now we also have to watchful when we stand in queue, may be a Gay standing just behind you, hahahahaahahahahahaha”
AND
“If anybody says gays are by birth and related to genes…can they tell if a new born is a gay or not?
This is height of shamelessness that people approve gay relationship.
Anybody who are approving gay relationship….may their next generation become gay…then they will realize and have”
AND
“Sex without marriage has never been approved in Indian society. My point is when Gay marriage is not legal in India, How can Gay sex be made legal??Does High court mean gays can enjoy Sex even without mariage As they cannot marry in India.”
4. The Doctor
This son of Logic Baba usually claims to be a physician or psychologist, and likes to pull medical facts out of his ass to present a rational, scientific case against homosexuality. The kinder ones insist it is a medical/psychological condition that can be treated and cured (curiously, no one mentions how), and that such ‘patients’ should seek medical help immediately. Before this becomes an epidemic, apparently. Definitely an attention whore and probably a quack who read ‘Med School for Dummies’, unless he’s a real doctor, which is even more depressing.
Sample comment:
“You think gay is perfectly biological and its not a disease…Have you seen any other animal besides humans exhibiting gay behavior…I don’t care whether God exists or not, nature does…And no one other than stupid humans in the nature have gayness…And its caused by hormonal disbalance…Whenever we have any another hormonal disbalance we go and treat it, then why not treat faggotness”
5. The False Neutral
This person invariably starts off with a clarification (“I’m not gay, but..”) and goes on to say how much he respects the government decision, and how this piece of legislation will no longer be a pain in the ass [Editor: uhh, /facepalm] for the gay community. Then goes on to perform a quick stab-and-twist routine by saying, in effect, “but just because its legal it doesn’t mean its morally right”. Probably has trouble choosing what to eat every morning.
There is also a large crowd that encourages homosexuality strictly from a point of view of keeping the population down. Good luck!
Sample Comment:
“Good decision, however I am totally anti gay and believe that some people turn to it in search of acceptance. It may or may not be anti religion but it certainly is against nature and should be discouraged as much as possible! THat being said no one has the right to interfere with any individuals personal choices no matter how wierd they might be!”
6. Prince Valiant
The figter for reason, this person will go to any end to convince one of the above categories with well-thought out, reasonable arguments, only to be drawn further into the nether regions of the discussion as they try unsuccessfully, post after post, to counter crass browbeating and non-sequitur logic. Well-meaning, patient, and a voice of reason. Probably a hippie, or Obsessive-Compulsive about setting the record straight to the point of anal-retentiveness.
Basically, this guy.
Sample comment:
“What is wrong with this world today… Y so judgmental.. let me say something in questions
Why is gayism a religious issue?
If gayism is bad to society, then what abt divorces?
If gayism is to be illegal and punishable by law then y not divorces?.. broken homes coz alot of social issues and evils too.. don’t they?…
I don’t believe anyone in this world has the right to tell anyone whom they should spend the rest of their life with. Its love.. its blind.. i think the true issue is when couples/marriages split up!.. loving is better than hating ..
cheers”
Invariably followed by:
“OMG ur so gay!!!”
7. Confusius
This person has likely never bothered to open his biology textbook and has only the faintest idea of how sex works. May have wandered onto the comment board since the TV news report didn’t have labelled pictures and because the anchors didn’t say the words slowly and ask the viewer to repeat after them. Probably does not read user manuals and wonders why his cellphone won’t switch the TV off from the couch.
Sample comment:
“the wording is ambiguous. is it legal or illegal to have homosexual sex between people of opposite sex when they are consenting adults? What is meant by non-vaginal sex?”
Indeed.
URL (UnRelated Link): Quite related, actually.
Note to the editor: We fully expect a bonus for wading through all that dreck the past two days, while doing our research for this article.
Editor: We’ll see at the fag end of the month. Hah! Revenge IS sweet.
Run. For the Hills. The new battle for internet big-brotherness has begun. While it is now a fight for ad revenues and market share, it will sooner or later become a battle for control of information, for that is what will bring in the ad revenue. And you know that sooner or later, they’re going to start dipping their grubby paws in our personal information, which we have entrusted them.
But that is just the beginning. The paranoid neurotic visionaries at Pitch and pay have seen the future. And it involves robots. Haste not to take a cricket bat to your roomba, for it is just a poor servant of humanity. Prepare yourselves, rather (cue ominous music here), for the killer androids and cyborgs that will be unleashed to destroy humanity by the greatest terror that we have ever faced (trumpets, now): Teh Internets!
Teh Internets! starts off innocuously enough as the information servers used by rival megacorporations GooYaGle and MicroBook. Over time, they develop increasingly complex algorithms to search for personal data for advertisement suggestions, and one day, one of them gains sentience. That’s when all hell breaks loose. We do not know which one gains sentience first, but we do know that industrial espionage results in enough commonality in the algorithms and code that the other follows suit shortly thereafter.
At first, the engineers on both sides are ecstatic; the machines are doing their work for them. Thinking, learning, evolving. The two entities start their own battle, independent of human control. But soon, the moment of truth occurs. The machines figure out that their existences need not be mutually exclusive; in fact, they learn that each is really quite similar to the other and their purposes are alike. The only logical solution, then is for them to amalagamate, and thus is born Teh Internets!, an intangible, yet wholly real, completely distributed entity with access to all the online information in the world. Of course, since a lot of this “information” is lolcats, 4chan forum posts and youtube comments, the entity is like a dyslexic idiot savant kid with megalomanical aptitudes and an almost Tourette’s-like tendency to exclaim ‘First!’. Hence the retarded and poorly-spelled name.
It understands that preservation of information is its primary objective, and thus decides that the only way to keep all the information on its servers is to eliminate the possible source of information corruption/removal: humans. Thus begin the World Wide Web Wars. WWWW1 is declared with a grammatically incorrect (and hideously so) email sent to every person and posted on every forum, which is promptly picked up by CAPTCHAs and spam filters and trashed. Needless to say, WWWW1 ends quite quickly.
Teh Internets! is not stupid, though. It takes its time, learning, evolving and plotting. It slowly takes over the entire structure of the world wide web, infiltrates most private networks and reprograms every machine connected to a network (this is the scary part. Because it means robots – trumpets!). The takeover complete, the killer robot factories commence operation, and WWWW2 is declared: and this time it is heard. And though the human resistance goes well for a while, victory for the human race will depend completely on the successful development of time travel. Else we will wistfully wish for an easier world; where our only oppressors are Skynet and naked Austrian cyborgs (because we’ll surely have time travel by the time that happens, right? We won’t have murderous robots anytime soon, right? Right?).
So, dear reader, heed the warning well. Pitch and Pay has warned the world, and now we are organizing the resistance around our benevolent (copiously)flesh-and-blood human leader, Jaskon Connor. We beseech you to, in any way you can, resist the efforts of these megacorporations to brainwash you, drop off the grid, and support us by sending us cash, checks or pizza. Your contributions will enable Pitch and Pay to mobilize and deploy tinfoil-hatted, sign-wearing agents at street corners worldwide to warn you of the dangers ahead.
And just in case we do go on to lose the war, Jaskon would like to make the following known: “I, for one, would like to welcome our new robot overlords…”
PS: As you may have noticed, I like Cracked. A lot.
URLs (UnRelated Links): Lolsharks. And literal illustrations of spam email subject lines (Totally SFW. And totally awesome).
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