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Gaah! Help! Oxygen! Water! Something! I just watched Rock On on MTV!
As a non-fan of MTV’s current programming, I have conditioned my reflexes to switch channels quickly while channel-surfing to avoid hurling due to unintended exposure to Roadies or Splitsvilla or whatever other crap they have on nowadays. However, I do admit to having some morbid curiosity in the possibility of a TV talent hunt being some good, despite all empirical evidence to the contrary. Besides, its rock. Could it be all that bad?
I do not remember who, but it was a very wise person who said, “there’s a sucker born every minute.”
So, I watch a full thirty minutes of some folks doing a training/practice montage, doing a decent (and I stress that word) rock rendition of a Bollywood number on stage, and then getting verbally assaulted by the judges. And, it may be because I’m stupid to have expected one, but I fail to see the point of it all.
My favourite part was the judges, each of whom genuinely seems to wish they were elsewhere. Ram Sampath, who I used to adore as part of Colourblind, seems to have turned into a snobbier-than-thou prick who can’t appreciate anything. Kailash Kher seems positively fruity when he tries to diplomatically tell people they suck. As such, he’s the only bearable one. The real surprise, for me, was erstwhile cool dude Nikhil Chinappa who, for some reason, seems to be growing more and more bitter with age, losing no chance to savage any performance for cosmetic reasons.
So, if I don’t like it, why don’t I just switch channels, you might ask. Well, I did, once I heard this intriguing quote from Nikhil (to perhaps the crappiest band that I saw) while expressing disappointment at their performance: ‘You guys are among the fifty best musicians in India, give or take’. Really? Really?
Anyway, to recover, I have some rock that’s both good and untouched by MTV: I finally got my hand’s on Avial’s album. Yaay.
How much can be accomplished in a day? A little, or a lot. Depends on who you ask. And how they went ahead trying to accomplish it. If you ask Canadian band Sons of Maxwell, they probably have a good answer for you:
As someone who once sat through an entire 17 hour flight (not United) with my butt cheeks clenched because I was afraid for my guitar (inexpensive by most counts, but not my own) which was in the overhead compartment right above me, I empathize sincerely with Dave Carroll, who saw his $3500 guitar thrown about and broken by the troglodytes in United’s baggage handling (Read the whole story in his own words. Please do). Thankfully, my guitar made it through the trip in one piece.
So, in just the one day after this video was posted on YouTube, it has received thousands of views and comments, and apparently finally got the notice of United, who now want to settle the matter with Dave Carroll (using some pretty punny language, I might add).
As an enthusiast of underdog moments in cinema, literature and real-life (which I am sure many of us are), it gives me great joy and vicarious pleasure in watching a wronged person take on a big corporation single-handedly and come out on top. “Customer Service” is rarely ever that anymore, and congratulations to Dave on beating the system and the corporation the only way its possible anymore: by leaving them with egg on their face. In public. And to the band’s great credit, they did it with wit and creativity rather than plain old rigteous indignation.
So, how much can be accomplished in a day? Well, you could take on a corporate behemoth with next to zero regard for its customers, and you just might come out on top. Sometimes, I think there is some justice in this world.
Reader Poll: Do you think this might work in India?
URL (UnRelated Link): I am Murloc, from Blizzard’s in-house band. Now, who would have thought that geeks who make MMORPGs are the power metal type? 
As the various banners and flags waved gaily with much joy on your TV screens a couple of days ago may have clued you in, gay sex with a consenting partner is no longer grounds for imprisonment in India (imprisonment which, ironically, would often lead to gay sex with/as a non-consenting partner).
But at PnP, we are not easily satisfied with the news. We want to know what the Mango Man thinks of this pink red letter day for human rights in India, and so we sent our best reporters out to the streets to find out. Okay, so it was really just the comments boards of Rediff and the Times of India, but in their defense, they are two of the funniest places online. To our shock and surprise, there’s a lot of haters out there.
And being the anal [Editor: it just never ends, does it?], compulsive list-monkeys that we are, we had to compile a list of the different kinds of well-informed, soft-spoken people you can expect to find on news websites, determined to let the world know exactly what they think of gays, why they are right and why anyone who thinks otherwise is a pinhead. So, without further ado, PnP presents the result of our research, brought to you by Kellogg’s Froot Loops [Editor: ay, cut that out].
Online Voices of the Gay Debate: A Study in Insanity
1. The Culture Warrior
The most frequently seen of the lot, the culture warrior is a self-appointed guardian of all that is good and right in Indian culture, which just happens to be all of it. Imported diseases like Valentine’s day, homosexuality and women in pubs are weakening our moral fabric, so the morality must be knocked back into the offenders, often with a kind word and a hockey stick. Probably pines for the time when 13 year olds could marry, and widows had to jump in the fire. Ahh, the good old days.
Sample comment:
“Slam this decision. Its a blot to our culture and dignity. What point are we trying to prove here? Have we become ultra modern and can withstand anything in the society. Sorry to say but this is not we stand for we dont need these laws that allow more hatred and crime. Lets just hope the supreme court comes and restores the sanity.”
2. The Wrath of the Almighty
A nuttier variant of the above, he wastes no time letting you know that fire and brimstone will soon be rained upon homosexuals and their supporters for gross perversion of heavenly diktat. Calmly hides under the banner of religion and goes on to blame all other religions for bringing this menace upon his own. Is afraid that decriminalization will lead to large scale recruitment and induction into the gay community and exodus from the right way of life (ie, his). Probably a closet case.
Sample comment:
“There was only one place on planet earth where used to live DEVTAS,don’t know if that will be case in future as India moves one step forward to join western worlds”
AND
“Really bad…You gays go to the Hell. I wish if God had come and destroyed all these useless craps.
You Almighty…I believe in you. Let your kingdome come.”
3. Logic Baba
Explains to us, by forcing our mind to jump through logical hoops arranged in the most Rube Goldberg-ian of fashions before we arrive at the conclusion, why we must say nay to being gay (that rhymes. I did that on purpose). Because obviously, now that its legal, gay attack gangs are preparing to violate the rest of us in broad daylight and devour children whole. Probably was class monitor in school, which remains the highest position of power he has occupied.
Sample comment:
“What would happened to romantic bollywood songs?Music company will have to bring fresh GAY edition of songs. I wonder what would be lyrics?? Earlier boys would chase and try to PATOO(persuade) ladki only, now some boys would be chasing boys for PATAOO (Pesuading)Ladka, by saying what & how I wonder.It is so funny to imagine that comedy scene, hahahahaahahahahaha.
Do we have a GAY movie in Bollywood(not just scenes), remember anybody??
Now we also have to watchful when we stand in queue, may be a Gay standing just behind you, hahahahaahahahahahaha”
AND
“If anybody says gays are by birth and related to genes…can they tell if a new born is a gay or not?
This is height of shamelessness that people approve gay relationship.
Anybody who are approving gay relationship….may their next generation become gay…then they will realize and have”
AND
“Sex without marriage has never been approved in Indian society. My point is when Gay marriage is not legal in India, How can Gay sex be made legal??Does High court mean gays can enjoy Sex even without mariage As they cannot marry in India.”
4. The Doctor
This son of Logic Baba usually claims to be a physician or psychologist, and likes to pull medical facts out of his ass to present a rational, scientific case against homosexuality. The kinder ones insist it is a medical/psychological condition that can be treated and cured (curiously, no one mentions how), and that such ‘patients’ should seek medical help immediately. Before this becomes an epidemic, apparently. Definitely an attention whore and probably a quack who read ‘Med School for Dummies’, unless he’s a real doctor, which is even more depressing.
Sample comment:
“You think gay is perfectly biological and its not a disease…Have you seen any other animal besides humans exhibiting gay behavior…I don’t care whether God exists or not, nature does…And no one other than stupid humans in the nature have gayness…And its caused by hormonal disbalance…Whenever we have any another hormonal disbalance we go and treat it, then why not treat faggotness”
5. The False Neutral
This person invariably starts off with a clarification (“I’m not gay, but..”) and goes on to say how much he respects the government decision, and how this piece of legislation will no longer be a pain in the ass [Editor: uhh, /facepalm] for the gay community. Then goes on to perform a quick stab-and-twist routine by saying, in effect, “but just because its legal it doesn’t mean its morally right”. Probably has trouble choosing what to eat every morning.
There is also a large crowd that encourages homosexuality strictly from a point of view of keeping the population down. Good luck!
Sample Comment:
“Good decision, however I am totally anti gay and believe that some people turn to it in search of acceptance. It may or may not be anti religion but it certainly is against nature and should be discouraged as much as possible! THat being said no one has the right to interfere with any individuals personal choices no matter how wierd they might be!”
6. Prince Valiant
The figter for reason, this person will go to any end to convince one of the above categories with well-thought out, reasonable arguments, only to be drawn further into the nether regions of the discussion as they try unsuccessfully, post after post, to counter crass browbeating and non-sequitur logic. Well-meaning, patient, and a voice of reason. Probably a hippie, or Obsessive-Compulsive about setting the record straight to the point of anal-retentiveness.
Basically, this guy.
Sample comment:
“What is wrong with this world today… Y so judgmental.. let me say something in questions
Why is gayism a religious issue?
If gayism is bad to society, then what abt divorces?
If gayism is to be illegal and punishable by law then y not divorces?.. broken homes coz alot of social issues and evils too.. don’t they?…
I don’t believe anyone in this world has the right to tell anyone whom they should spend the rest of their life with. Its love.. its blind.. i think the true issue is when couples/marriages split up!.. loving is better than hating ..
cheers”
Invariably followed by:
“OMG ur so gay!!!”
7. Confusius
This person has likely never bothered to open his biology textbook and has only the faintest idea of how sex works. May have wandered onto the comment board since the TV news report didn’t have labelled pictures and because the anchors didn’t say the words slowly and ask the viewer to repeat after them. Probably does not read user manuals and wonders why his cellphone won’t switch the TV off from the couch.
Sample comment:
“the wording is ambiguous. is it legal or illegal to have homosexual sex between people of opposite sex when they are consenting adults? What is meant by non-vaginal sex?”
Indeed.
URL (UnRelated Link): Quite related, actually.
Note to the editor: We fully expect a bonus for wading through all that dreck the past two days, while doing our research for this article.
Editor: We’ll see at the fag end of the month. Hah! Revenge IS sweet.
Run. For the Hills. The new battle for internet big-brotherness has begun. While it is now a fight for ad revenues and market share, it will sooner or later become a battle for control of information, for that is what will bring in the ad revenue. And you know that sooner or later, they’re going to start dipping their grubby paws in our personal information, which we have entrusted them.
But that is just the beginning. The paranoid neurotic visionaries at Pitch and pay have seen the future. And it involves robots. Haste not to take a cricket bat to your roomba, for it is just a poor servant of humanity. Prepare yourselves, rather (cue ominous music here), for the killer androids and cyborgs that will be unleashed to destroy humanity by the greatest terror that we have ever faced (trumpets, now): Teh Internets!
Teh Internets! starts off innocuously enough as the information servers used by rival megacorporations GooYaGle and MicroBook. Over time, they develop increasingly complex algorithms to search for personal data for advertisement suggestions, and one day, one of them gains sentience. That’s when all hell breaks loose. We do not know which one gains sentience first, but we do know that industrial espionage results in enough commonality in the algorithms and code that the other follows suit shortly thereafter.
At first, the engineers on both sides are ecstatic; the machines are doing their work for them. Thinking, learning, evolving. The two entities start their own battle, independent of human control. But soon, the moment of truth occurs. The machines figure out that their existences need not be mutually exclusive; in fact, they learn that each is really quite similar to the other and their purposes are alike. The only logical solution, then is for them to amalagamate, and thus is born Teh Internets!, an intangible, yet wholly real, completely distributed entity with access to all the online information in the world. Of course, since a lot of this “information” is lolcats, 4chan forum posts and youtube comments, the entity is like a dyslexic idiot savant kid with megalomanical aptitudes and an almost Tourette’s-like tendency to exclaim ‘First!’. Hence the retarded and poorly-spelled name.
It understands that preservation of information is its primary objective, and thus decides that the only way to keep all the information on its servers is to eliminate the possible source of information corruption/removal: humans. Thus begin the World Wide Web Wars. WWWW1 is declared with a grammatically incorrect (and hideously so) email sent to every person and posted on every forum, which is promptly picked up by CAPTCHAs and spam filters and trashed. Needless to say, WWWW1 ends quite quickly.
Teh Internets! is not stupid, though. It takes its time, learning, evolving and plotting. It slowly takes over the entire structure of the world wide web, infiltrates most private networks and reprograms every machine connected to a network (this is the scary part. Because it means robots – trumpets!). The takeover complete, the killer robot factories commence operation, and WWWW2 is declared: and this time it is heard. And though the human resistance goes well for a while, victory for the human race will depend completely on the successful development of time travel. Else we will wistfully wish for an easier world; where our only oppressors are Skynet and naked Austrian cyborgs (because we’ll surely have time travel by the time that happens, right? We won’t have murderous robots anytime soon, right? Right?).
So, dear reader, heed the warning well. Pitch and Pay has warned the world, and now we are organizing the resistance around our benevolent (copiously)flesh-and-blood human leader, Jaskon Connor. We beseech you to, in any way you can, resist the efforts of these megacorporations to brainwash you, drop off the grid, and support us by sending us cash, checks or pizza. Your contributions will enable Pitch and Pay to mobilize and deploy tinfoil-hatted, sign-wearing agents at street corners worldwide to warn you of the dangers ahead.
And just in case we do go on to lose the war, Jaskon would like to make the following known: “I, for one, would like to welcome our new robot overlords…”
PS: As you may have noticed, I like Cracked. A lot.
URLs (UnRelated Links): Lolsharks. And literal illustrations of spam email subject lines (Totally SFW. And totally awesome).
I can appreciate that the media business in India (or for that matter, anywhere in the world) is a cut-throat, dog-eat-dog race to ensure viewership/readers/clicks, and more often than not this is achieved by pandering to the lowest common denominator (as proof, I present “so you think you can sing/dance/make a clown of yourself on national television”, various tearjerker serials; the list goes on). But does the news, especially on the front page of the online edition of the Times of India, which is a national newspaper, albeit probably due to its supplements rather than the contents of the actual main paper, have to look like this:
Oh yeah, they totally rock. Reporting live from England...
So are they trying to tell me the news or narrate a heroic epic? Granted, the link takes one to a column by a sportswriter, but there’s a reason op-ed columns shouldn’t be lumped in with the news headlines (Hint: its because they’re NOT news).
Now, I’m not hating on the Times. Others have their own questionable “news” stories as well. Now I confess I was just cherry picking what I consider improper as news (The Obama story was in the offbeat section). But I think we can all agree that this is unnecessary on the front page (again, the Times of India):
This is just wrong.
Way to celebrate the spirit of Father’s Day. I’m sure that’s exactly what the people who first thought up the idea of a tribute to fathers everywhere had in mind: famous men in banana hammocks.
URL (UnRelated Link): Only in Japan.
PS: And for those of you in the US, finding yourself in the intersection of the Venn diagram of those who like Indian food and those who like wielding hammers and chisels, this ad is probably intended for you:
Yeah, I would totally carve that, man.
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