Its Over. Finally.

We here at Pitch and Pay world headquarters apologize for the long delay in between posts. We realize that there are people who have come to depend upon us for their regular dose of inanity. But we have not been slacking off. Our misguided and misanthropic founder, Jaskon, has spent the better part of the last three weeks neglecting his studies and following the developments in the political arena (he was searching for a downloadable link for Nailin’ Paylin). He has, in the end, decided to call it off and offer a guest column to our old friend, Bull O’Really of WOLFNews. Bull has graciously consented to put his dyspeptic grumblings to email and send us his view of the recently concluded 2008 US election (Hint: Obama won). So, straight from the horse’s mouth, here’s some more Bull:

Hello fellow Americans and foreign pinheads. This election is finally over, after what seemed like an endless campaigning cycle. The liberal loonies get their way this time, and Barack Obama has proved that he had the better PR machine. A great day for the Internets, who have been the real victors by managing to both hold both candidates accountable through the reportage of facts on blogs and youtube and simultaneously being the great obfuscators, a role.that we in the traditional media, and especially us at WOLFNews, have specialized in in the past.

So, Obama wins. A big day for America, having voted in the first African American president in the world. Obama supporters all over the country are in the streets celebrating and partying the night away. I just hope no one decides to take a baseball bat to my car. I knew I should have removed the ‘Palin/McCain’ sticker and the ‘Obama wants to nuke unborn babies’ sticker before polling started. And I’m no bigot or anything, but those are gangsters, gay people and liberal tin-foil hat wearers out there celebrating. Who else would vote for Obama? Anyway, I just hope that the few thousands of people who actually profited from the Bush regime will find a way to cope with the presidency of this socialist who wants to raise their (and especially my) taxes a mammoth 3% while the rest of the country gets richer. That’s less fuel for my seventh limo, people. Throw a guy a bone, will you? Those poor cretins are supposed to stay poor. Who will take care of me?

Having said all that, I hope Obama’s presidency will not be as disastrous as George W Bush’s was successful. I hope the democrats understand that in the end, they have to work for us average Americans (wink, wink) and fill our corporate coffers with money. And still, Biden who?

And lets hear it for John McCain. While not the star of his own campaign, he played his part and set a great example for an honest, transparent campaign and we hope that that’s the last we hear of him. Sarah Palin, though. What a lady. She really put the ‘fun’ back in ‘fundamentalist nutjob’. Just the kind of person that an average Joe (Sixpack or Plumber, take your choice. Still no Bidens, though) trusts to lead America. Shoot first, suppress any questions later. I tell you, if W was a president you wanted to have a beer with, Sarah Palin could have been a president you could go hunting with and not get shot in the face, as long as you agree with whatever she says, which is perfectly sensible.

Trust me Americans, this is not the end of the Barracuda. For while the liberal media and the ghetto crowd are going on about Obama, he’s already old news. Campaigning for the 2012 election starts next week. Only 1460 more shopping days till the next election. She’s gunning for the big one this time. No, not moose. The presidency. Who said that the $150,000 in clothes was a waste? If Obama plans to end the war in Iraq, Americans will be in need of some way to lose their hard earned money. After all, we haven’t given nearly enough for the Wall Street bailout. It is not yet certain who her running mate will be: the sixpack guy or the plumber. Other conservative experts say that any fifth grader will also make for a good running mate, as the kid will help make up for any supposed deficiencies in areas other than foreign policy. Don’t sell that house in Alaska, Sarah. You don’t want to lose the edge in foreign relations.

It is also heartening to see that we will be seeing the return of some sensible faces in the Democratic crowd as well, such as this fine gentleman. Good to see some good, hard working, average Americans out there.

All in all, while we at WOLFNews channel and our ilk retreat to lick our wounds and begin the next four years of catty swipes on the president who we will hold responsible for the mess the country is in, there’s still hope for America in ‘12. Lets just hope that before that, Sarah Palin can get an endorsement from Jesus.

Now, let me go see if my car is still parked in the lot. I just got a new radio installed.

We thank Bull for his ponderous prophecies. As we wish that he finds new wind for his bag under the new government, we would like to sign off saying two things: ‘Stay classy San Diego, and stay classy America’ and ‘We should hire Bull to write for us full-time. Lets see if he accepts payment in Cheetos packets’.

PS: What a relief. Lets hope Obama lives up to the highest and noblest of his intentions and promises and shows the rest of the world that the ideal that is America might still be alive. And lets really hope we’ve seen the last of Sarah Palin.

PPS: Someone please give these guys a TV show. They’re the real, real deal.

What, Me Vote?

As everyone knows, I like to put in my 92.93 paisa (2 cents, as of today) on breaking news and current happenings without necessarily knowing much about them. In keeping with this tradition, ever since the start of the 2008 US presidential election season, I have been paying very close attention to major newssources for all matters concering Mila Kunis and Rachel McAdams. But not on such a matter of importance. So you will understand if I do not abuse the trust of anyone who reads this in the hope of a well-thought out outsider view of the elections with a hastily-assembled half-attempt at current events that seems like, well, a hastily-assembled half-attempt at current events. Also, Wall Street meltdown. There. Current events. What brilliant journalism, I say.

So, since I can’t be bothered to write, we have a guest article written by eminent independent (his own words) political commentator for the WOLFNews channel, the eminent Mr. Bull O’Really. We have no idea Mr O’Really knew who we are or that he particularly cared, but we are honoured to have him here to pitch and pay all he wants (he is much better at it than us). So, without further ado, and having spent my two cents, here is Bull O’Really:

Hello, and welcome to the no-spin tracks of America. Here, we only bowl seam and swing. I’m glad I got this chance to address the apathetic slacker demographic who usually watch The Nightly Show run by my competitor, Mr. Jon Colbert. I am here to present to you worthless pinheads the only right perspective on the election: mine.

Now that we’re done with the primaries, we are now down to the final round. Both party conventions are now done, and the presidential candidates have been selected. They’ve also selected their sidekicks, the vice-presidential candidates. And they are now on the final stretch, to see who comes ahead in the polls on Nov 4. So, now the Republican Party candidate Sen. John McCain of Arizona and his running-mate Gov. Sarah Palin of Alaska face off against the Democratic Party’s Sen. Barack Obama of Illinois and his running-mate Sen. Joe Biden from God-knows-where (oh, yeah, Delaware). I shall dispense my unbiased opinion of the candidates and the election process now. And remember, if you don’t agree, you are a pinhead.

To start off with, Sen. McCain is a distinguished war hero from a proud military family. And as we all know, from the current administration, family really counts in this business. McCain was a fighter pilot in Vietnam who was shot down and imprisoned as a Prisoner of War for six years before being released. But his experiments with heroism were not over there. After his return to the US, he realized that his POW status automatically qualified him to serve in politics. He has been a distinguished senator and a mercurial political force with widely disparate views from that of the party establishment on many issues, and sometimes widely disparate from his own previous views. A true maverick.

He has always stood by his personal and political integrity by not sucking up to agents of intolerance for endorsements or attacking his opponents in campaign ads with scurrilous lies and non-issues. He does not play petty political tricks such as calling off his campaign and trying to weasel out of a presidential debate for oneupmanship, especially in the light of the current Wall Street debacle, which was caused by the lack of proper regulation of financial companies. He is the very epitome of honesty. Sen. McCain says that Wall Street getting greedy is the cause of this whole mess, and the only solution is to deregulate some more. And he has even put aside politics to devote himself to finding a solution to the financial crisis [Jaskon's note: I think this means he may have at least finished reading the back cover of Alan Greenspan's book]. His new solution, which he came up with just before a deal on the bailout could be reached, is provide capital gains tax breaks. What a maverick. Even the plight of the taxpayer can not change his maverick ways. Neither can the state of affairs in Iraq. Also, he appeals to kids by appearing to them to be a hybrid of Mr. Magoo and Yosemite Sam.

Sen. Barack Obama, is blessed with a name that recalls the best of the ’80s in the A-Team. He’s been a member of the senate for just a few years, and I find his lack of experience disturbing. He is a graduate of one of those arty-farty Ivy league schools and taught law as well. He also claims to have been some kind of ‘community organizer’, when he was younger. As if keeping kids off drugs and making people employable qualifies one to be president. There are also claims about his links to a local terrorist organization. Nothing have been proven, but as squirrel-frying ex-candidate Mike Huckabee says, ‘Just cause we haven’t found ‘em, doesn’t mean they’re not there’ (he may or may not have been talking about something else). I don’t think his fancy elitist degrees mean he can lead the country. Neither does his public-speaking capability or willingness to negotiate bode well for the future of international relations. I doubt he has a plan on the economy, other than that five-point thing he came out with and actually having the nerve to support regulation.

I am also gravely concerned about another matter concerning Sen. Obama. No one likes to talk directly about it, but since this is the pitch that does not support any spin, I shall go ahead and say it. We do not want a Jay-Z remix of the national anthem. That Hendrix fellow did enough damage. We do not want to have to rename the White House, the ‘Big Bling Crib’. And over my dead body shall Ebonics be taught as an actual language. Of course, I’m not saying any of this because Sen. Obama is black, or because I am a racist bigot. Anyone who disagrees with me can shut up.

Now, onto the vice-presidential candidates. Gov. Palin is the overnight sensation, the media darling who is rightly being protected from the media who has overcome incredible opposition to her candidacy in the form of vicious attacks from the liberal media. I do feel the need to clear the air about some of these allegations, so I shall. To those who attack her so-called lack of experience and knowledge of foreign policy, just read her resume. She’s been mayor of the second-largest city in Alaska (pop < 10000), and she lives right next to Russia. If that doesn’t make her an expert on international relations, I don’t know what does. Also, she’s been a great administrator. She said ‘thanks, but no thanks’ to the money for the Bridge to Nowhere, a bridge she herself wanted to build. And she kept the money. Some of the maverick tendency is rubbing off, I think. She is a great patriot. She even tried to sell a jet on eBay. She hunts moose, which are a symbol of Canada, that communist country to our north that sympathizes with the French, of all people. Did you know that many people there even have the gall to speak French?

Also, no one has the right to criticize her personal life. Her husband’s alleged involvement in a secessionist movement is clearly a left-wing lie (he’s the First Dude, for heaven’s sake), and her pregnant teenage daughter should definitely not be target to the same kind of press scrutiny that that pinhead sister of Britney Spears was subject to. Most disturbing, however, are the allegations that she has been selected only to appease the powerful-yet-secretive Monty Python Loyalists lobby in Washington. Michael Palin must release a statement to dispel these terrible rumours. And lastly, the Republican party is rightly protecting her from the press so that she can knock Joe Biden out as a dark horse in the vice-presidential debate. She is in fact being so protected before the debate that the Republican party want to call off the debate itself as well to keep her an unknown factor. For someone who will be ‘one heartbeat away from the presidency’, we really need a total unknown to provide the kind of suspense that our politics lacks. To her detractors, even the conservative ones, shut up.

Lastly, Sen. Joe Biden. I know nothing about him, except that he is allegedly good at foreign affairs. Well, he doesn’t live near Russia, so he’s just a joke. Since I have nothing else to say about him, he is clearly a waste of my time.

So there. My unbiased view of the candidates. Now, I must really talk about the role of the media and the people in this election. The media has, for a while now, shown a deep and disturbing left-wing bias, as my viewers and listeners will know, as well as those of Sean Hannity, Neil Cavuto, Rush Limbaugh, Town Hall and the few hundreds of conservative news sources, especially us here at WOLFNews. We alone are present to perform the solemn duty of blustering and bellowing our way around issues on TV, radio, print and the internet while the multitudes of dangerous left-wing sources present their weak arguments and so-called logic to challenge the this great country and its way of life.

The people also, are generally good, law-abiding citizens who listen to me or the government who tell them what’s good for them and accept it. There are those who dare question the motives of government and the current president. These people are communist muttonheads who are determined to take America back to the dark ages. We must not give in to their machinations. Listen to me. I know what’s good for you and what’s good for America.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have another appointment to make. Something about a loofah.

We at Pitch and Pay are thankful to Bull O’Really for having called it like it is and for giving us a great independent view of the presidential race. He is a living walking talking embodiment of the maxim that if you have nothing sensible to say, repeat whatever you have enough times really loudly and it will be accepted as the common knowledge of the next generation. Godspeed, you white conqueror. And may the best man (and woman) win the election.

Epilogue: Let’s not call it writer’s block or anything that might insult real writers. Let’s just say that my capcity to crank out words that sometimes make sense together has been affected by a lack of ideas, plus my usual daily dose of Procrastinol. This post has gestated over a period of two weeks and gone through many revisions and many transformations before taking on the form you have just been unfortunate enough to read. Be it, as it may, a pile of steaming fresh politically-incorrect (factually incorrect, too) cowdung, I am mighty proud of it.

I just had nothing clever to write. I wanted to compare the elections to a reality show or a sporting spectacle like the Olympics (on which I’ve also wanted to write something about for a while). And while those are indeed worthy comparisons, I realize that the discerning reader does not care for poor allegory and cheap sarcasm, more of which can be found if you would please care to read my previous posts. And I don’t seem to do very good at the serious stuff, too. To be honest, I don’t really think I am any good at talking about politics. These guys, however, are doing a bang-up job on talking real issues while being funny as hell at the same time. And in some utterly perverted way, so are these guys.

So, in the end, I decided to go with the above approach. Another attempt at cheap sarcasm, but I think if I keep doing it enough, one of two things will happen:
a. I might get better at it, or
b. Readers will lower their expectations to this level. After all, if the mainstream media and politicians can do it, why not poor ol’ me?

In all seriousness, though, Obama-Biden ‘08. I am thoroughly terrified of the prospect of President Sarah Palin. I’m just glad I’m not a citizen.