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Run. For the Hills. The new battle for internet big-brotherness has begun. While it is now a fight for ad revenues and market share, it will sooner or later become a battle for control of information, for that is what will bring in the ad revenue. And you know that sooner or later, they’re going to start dipping their grubby paws in our personal information, which we have entrusted them.
But that is just the beginning. The paranoid neurotic visionaries at Pitch and pay have seen the future. And it involves robots. Haste not to take a cricket bat to your roomba, for it is just a poor servant of humanity. Prepare yourselves, rather (cue ominous music here), for the killer androids and cyborgs that will be unleashed to destroy humanity by the greatest terror that we have ever faced (trumpets, now): Teh Internets!
Teh Internets! starts off innocuously enough as the information servers used by rival megacorporations GooYaGle and MicroBook. Over time, they develop increasingly complex algorithms to search for personal data for advertisement suggestions, and one day, one of them gains sentience. That’s when all hell breaks loose. We do not know which one gains sentience first, but we do know that industrial espionage results in enough commonality in the algorithms and code that the other follows suit shortly thereafter.
At first, the engineers on both sides are ecstatic; the machines are doing their work for them. Thinking, learning, evolving. The two entities start their own battle, independent of human control. But soon, the moment of truth occurs. The machines figure out that their existences need not be mutually exclusive; in fact, they learn that each is really quite similar to the other and their purposes are alike. The only logical solution, then is for them to amalagamate, and thus is born Teh Internets!, an intangible, yet wholly real, completely distributed entity with access to all the online information in the world. Of course, since a lot of this “information” is lolcats, 4chan forum posts and youtube comments, the entity is like a dyslexic idiot savant kid with megalomanical aptitudes and an almost Tourette’s-like tendency to exclaim ‘First!’. Hence the retarded and poorly-spelled name.
It understands that preservation of information is its primary objective, and thus decides that the only way to keep all the information on its servers is to eliminate the possible source of information corruption/removal: humans. Thus begin the World Wide Web Wars. WWWW1 is declared with a grammatically incorrect (and hideously so) email sent to every person and posted on every forum, which is promptly picked up by CAPTCHAs and spam filters and trashed. Needless to say, WWWW1 ends quite quickly.
Teh Internets! is not stupid, though. It takes its time, learning, evolving and plotting. It slowly takes over the entire structure of the world wide web, infiltrates most private networks and reprograms every machine connected to a network (this is the scary part. Because it means robots – trumpets!). The takeover complete, the killer robot factories commence operation, and WWWW2 is declared: and this time it is heard. And though the human resistance goes well for a while, victory for the human race will depend completely on the successful development of time travel. Else we will wistfully wish for an easier world; where our only oppressors are Skynet and naked Austrian cyborgs (because we’ll surely have time travel by the time that happens, right? We won’t have murderous robots anytime soon, right? Right?).
So, dear reader, heed the warning well. Pitch and Pay has warned the world, and now we are organizing the resistance around our benevolent (copiously)flesh-and-blood human leader, Jaskon Connor. We beseech you to, in any way you can, resist the efforts of these megacorporations to brainwash you, drop off the grid, and support us by sending us cash, checks or pizza. Your contributions will enable Pitch and Pay to mobilize and deploy tinfoil-hatted, sign-wearing agents at street corners worldwide to warn you of the dangers ahead.
And just in case we do go on to lose the war, Jaskon would like to make the following known: “I, for one, would like to welcome our new robot overlords…”
PS: As you may have noticed, I like Cracked. A lot.
URLs (UnRelated Links): Lolsharks. And literal illustrations of spam email subject lines (Totally SFW. And totally awesome).
I’m not a big fan of spam email, but I do occasionally check the sender names and subject lines before deleting them, just to make sure nothing important has ended up in there by accident, like mails from friends, prospective employers, college, various internet deals (eh-hem) et al. But once in a while, I come across a subject line so bizarre, that I have to share it with the rest of the world.
Now I know if you operate an infinite number of spambots for an infinite amount of time, they will eventually rewrite all the works of Shakespeare. This one needs to first figure out what IT consultants do. I am pretty sure its got the wrong idea. If not, I think I have decided on my future profession (IT consultant, that is. Not spambot).
I love Gmail themes. 
PS: I also like the ‘Girls will hunt you in the streets!’ subject line. Whether or not I’d like that to come true will depend entirely on whether they are the women of Old Town or Axe Land.
Edit: I think Shakespearebot has finally found me. Insane spam message subject line of the day: ‘Women will sing odes to the monster in your pants’. Sigh.
Abandoning our usual light tone and updates on Jaskon’s uninteresting existence, it is with utmost seriousness that we at Pitch and Pay deliver to you the most grave news you will ever hear: the world is ending. Just because it is such an earth-shattering [punintended] piece of news, we shall repeat it, this time in bold caps: THE WORLD IS ENDING.
Tomorrow, the mountain-worshippers and twisted minds that masquerade as scientists at CERN prepare to switch on the instrument that will surely bring doom upon this planet. Going by the worst predictions, it may even bring DOOM upon us. Yes, even some scientists fear that turning on this abomination will cause tiny black holes that will consume the planet, but not before causing untold devastation in the form of earthquakes, tsunamis, worldwide financial meltdown and the collapse of family values. The horror, the horror.
As always, there are the sarcastic types who say that this will finally end war, fossil-fuel dependency and world hunger, but these loonies are not the type of people we must be listening to in a crisis. After all, its not like a worldwide calamity was ever averted by a bunch of wisecrackers (outside of a Hollywood disaster movie, that is).
So while the funnymen are busy making light of this situation, I earnestly plead the governments of the world to call all their space marines to be ready for any attack of evil alien races that will surely use the wormholes that the LHC will open. After all, one of them managed to make it single-handedly through hell and back. Twice. A fleet of them can surely defeat any Imps and even a few Barons of Hell that might come through and save the planet. All we need to do is make sure to leave lots and lots of weapons, armour and health bonuses lying around. And yes, let’s get this guy on the case as well. Lastly, all hackers must be put to work finding cheat codes for GOD MODE and infinite weapons. IDDQD doesn’t seem to work in real life. Get on it, H@XX0rZ. All civilians are also encouraged to stockpile food and arm themselves to the teeth (razor-edged braces?) to deter any stray aliens or looters that might decide to make merry before the planet implodes. Keep water around, too. Just in case. Even your children should be made aware of this impending disaster so as to be prepared. You might want to put it in a way that they can understand, though.
Of course, a few thousand scientists working on this project and all over the world have certified that the collider and all associated machinery are completely safe and will not lead to any catastrophe. They’ve even rapped about it. Detailed safety reviews have been completed and the boffins say that there is nothing that can go wrong. And yet, at the same time, they are more interested in the unexpected results that flinging subatomic particles towards each other at nearly the speed of light will cause. Doesn’t anyone else see a lot of gray area in their words here?
Obviously, what harm could a fast moving proton that hits a stationary proton cause? Replace the word ‘proton’ with ‘football hooligan’ and you have all the ingredients for a cosmic pub-brawl, with both parties bleeding dark matter and dark energy while knocking out each others subatomic testicles. Oh, and by the end of it all, they find God. Yes, the main purpose of the world’s largest hula hoop is to try and recreate the Big Bang (or in this case a bunch of little bangs) and find the Higgs boson. Called the God particle, the Higgs boson is supposedly the prime mover behind the universe. It is named after Scottish physicist Peter Higgs who first predicted its existence. If really detected, and if it really is a piece of God as reported, it might validate the Big Bang, Evolution and Creationism all in one fell swoop. My head spins.
So, in a bid to prove one of the biggest hypotheses (I don’t even like that word) in the world of theoretical physics, these knuckleheaded Nobel Prize winners and Fields medal holders have spent an estimated $9.2 billion. Why? Because they couldn’t leave well enough alone. And because screw you. That’s why. Look, there’s a reason why its called theoretical physics. Because its theory. It need not be burdened with such trivialities as proof and empirical evidence (more dirty words). After all, the US never wanted such piffling details as proof to wage war on Iraq. Also, look at India which has such a proud history of theoretical education and rote-learning that we churn out millions of world class engineers and doctors every year. In theory, at least. And last but not least, like the millions of us who do not want proof that the LHC will endanger humanity before we protest it and blog about it and send death threats to the scientists at CERN. Who needs proof, CERN? Higgs says there’s a God particle, so if you want to believe him, why question him? Why continue to threaten the survival of the human race in your senseless search for proof?
Oh CERN, will you not listen to the voice of reason and shut down this threat to humanity? To get your money back, you could even turn it into the world’s largest underground roller coaster. Tours of the top soil and bedrock of Switzerland and France. Now excuse me while I’m off to the nearest WalMart to stock some food for the coming war. I’ll also need to get a Lamborghini for travel, because Mad Max’s ride is in the museum now. Its the end of the world, silly. No one will mind if I drop in to a dealership and drive off with one of them without paying. There are more important things at stake.
Also, do you know where can I buy a BFG 9000 and unlimited armour? The cheat codes will do just fine, too.
PS: I think I may just have knocked the subatomic testicles out of a minor case of writer’s block. Also, for real disasters, check out the shit that’s been going down in Orissa and Kashmir. Whichever way you look at it, we’re doomed. Image courtesy Wikipedia, as is so much else here.
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